Blogger Blitz – Round 1, Fight 1: Retail Rumble!

Let’s Get Ready to Reeettttaaaiiilll!!! The event brought to you by Adventure Rules, #BloggerBlitz, is now officially on! In just 500 words, can I convince you one of Lightning’s items is better at retailing than something from Indiana Jones? Probably not, but I’m gonna have fun failing, epically!

Be sure to also check out my talented rival’s blog, NekoJonez, to read a much better sales pitch for Indiana Jones.

GOGOGO!! Word count starts, now:

“You entered me in a WHAT!?” Yeah, I failed to consider the first hurdle – convincing my cranky shero to willingly participate. “And you actually think I’m going sell this??”

“Come on, Lightning. Please?” I implored. She wouldn’t punch me, her biggest fangirl, would she? She wouldn’t. Yep, she totally would. Alas, I probably should’ve picked Aloy instead.

“Fine. I swear, you’re more needy than Hope and Serah combined.” She growled as she shoved me aside. She halted in front of a boring door that led to a typical corporate boardroom.

“Yay! Besides, your masters have shilled you out before… You’re definitely good at pushing products!” I encouraged while I pulled out the key to my brand-new Nissan, from my posh Louis Vuitton handbag.

“Don’t remind me.” She angrily uttered as she folded her toned arms tightly into her chest.

“Hey, at least this time it’s your own product!” Her response to my inspiring words – a silent glare of death. “Oh, and I love your Guardian Corps outfit, but, uh, unfortunately…”

“Yeah, I know… sex sells.” She instantly shifted into the Miqo’te Dress Garb from Lightning Returns. We both let out a dejected sigh. “Alright, let’s hurry up and lose this thing.”

“That’s the spirit, girl! I must say, you look, um…”


“Yup, that’s the word! Have fun… and try not to punch anyone.” She grunted in amusement before kicking down the boardroom door, and I took my proper role as narrator for this crazy sales pitch story. Her methods can be considered questionable, but once Lightning Farron puts her heart into something, not even fate itself can stop her.

The chaotic scene waiting inside the room stunned Lightning, for a brief second. Snakes? Of course, it was snakes. Indiana Jones himself had been pitching his signature bullwhip for the marketing directors of the world’s greatest weapon’s development company. Sure, Indy’s a great guy, but he tends to blunder, a lot. For whatever reason, an army of slithering serpents seemed to have a vendetta against him, and they decided to ambush him after he botched the presentation, invading the room through the AC duct. Indy and the directors were all cowering on the boardroom table, his whip was useless.

Lightning scoffed at the hissing tide approaching her, and she made quick work of entire menace with her Gunblade, plus her Army of One ability, once her ATB gauge was full. It was going to take much more than a bunch of pathetic snakes to stop a woman as strong as Lightning. When the easy battle was won, the directors were all grateful for the rescue, impressed by seeing the power of her mighty Gunblade in action, and a little, um, distracted by my shero’s uncharacteristically risqué appearance. Actions speak much louder than words, and directors were instantly sold on the idea of mass-producing and selling the weapon to global fighting forces. Lightning reluctantly used her experience as an advertising pawn, I mean spokesmodel, to help boost the marketing campaign.

Is the Final Fantasy victory tune playing, or will I be listening to the Indiana Jones theme song over a bucket of ice cream? That’s up to the almighty just and fair judges to decide! Find out this Friday by checking out Adventure Rules.

35 thoughts on “Blogger Blitz – Round 1, Fight 1: Retail Rumble!

  1. Nice. We didnt arrange anything and we both use a novel style argument. Also, we both use each others franchise to put the other character in the story. Good luck, and I seriously think you have written a great post here.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Reblogged this on Adventure Rules and commented:
    Today is the first match of the Blogger Blitz, and LightningEllen has accomplished the toughest task of all – getting her sponsored character Lightning to participate! Come see what product they sell to the masses in Retail Rumble!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Okay. Time to answer in character.
      Indy says to The Shameful Narcissist: “But good sir, I was able to survive the snake pit when I went to retrieve the Ark. Yeah. But snakes… I prefer them in a zoo, or dead in a museum.”

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Thanks! It’s a really cool contest where bloggers pick a character to compete in random events against another blogger. It’s an elimination style tournament too, so fun! I’ll find out the results Friday.

      Lightning is actually terrified of two things: Herself, and failing Serah. Everything else, including fate, is nothing to her! And, OMG! Did you just make a terrible pun about something I wrote!?!? *faints* 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Great start! I love this idea and your post was fantastic! Good luck! I’m ove to read NekoJonez response now lol. I just wish mines wasn’t at the end of the month, I’m super excited!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed my post 😀 This is the first time anything I’ve written will be judged so I’m terrified, haha. NekoJonez really wrote an amazing post!

      I was kind of worried about going first, but now at least it’s over with! Good luck with your event.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Loved this! I’m finally reading everyone’s arguments. I felt like I should wait until after I posted so I didn’t gain an unfair advantage. The fact that you and Nekko did the same thing is hilarious! I loved your ‘sex sells’ bit and how earnest you were at showing off your heroine’s characteristic skills

    Liked by 1 person

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