I was, like, totally bored when I found this game in the discount bin at some store. Now I know Final Fantasy VI was the last great Final Fantasy game. I mean come on. VII is all about a confusing Cloud boy & flower chick. VIII stars some boring broody loner with an awful card game thing. Don’t even get me started on how lame and kiddy IX is. I’m just going to pretend X, XI, XII, and XIV never happened (so awful!!). I haven’t played with the boy band in XV yet, but I’m sure it’s a terrible sausage fest. Anyway, I decided to give XIII a whirl since the graphics looked pretty and it was cheap. I really thought Squeenix couldn’t sink any lower than those godawful MMOs.
How Far I Got
Ugh! I don’t know how I did it, but I got through this boring pile of trash and beat the weird last boss. I had to drink lots of coffee tho cuz this game is just one big straight line with a horrible plot. If you’re asking why I kept playing a game I hated… Well, shut up, that’s why. Anywayz, I’ll save my correct opinions for the review, but ZOMG this is the WORST Final Fantasy EVER!!
I don’t even know where to begin. The internet was sooo right about this trash pile! I really wish I would’ve read all those forum posts before I wasted my precious time on this disaster. Anyway the combat is way too easy mode. There’s no random battles either so you don’t get interrupted every 2 seconds to fight something stupidly hard. Seeing the enemy ahead of you is just way too easy. Like seriously, the game is nothing but button mashing and watching some bitch (more on her later) walk in a straight line to the last boss. Well, there is a bit of world to explore near the end, but that part sucked because I got lost in it. I was insta-killed by a giant turtle there too. Actually a lot of big monster things killed me there. The combat there was just way too hard. Oh and there were some bounty hunting-ish side quests, but they were impossible to finish. I tried to read what Sentinels, Saboteurs, and Synergists did before I gave up (those roles make no sense! I’ll just go back to auto-battling the horrible main quest. Boring!). There’s also this messed up weapon upgrade system. You gotta like break weapons down and get components and stuff. I couldn’t understand it so it was obviously horribly designed. So yeah, Squeenix dropped the ball big time with all of the gameplay mechanics, but the story is even worse!!!
The story is sooo boring, and stupid. It’s the typical evil government/bad gods/crystal related plot that’s be done a million damn times before. Yawn! Oh and there’s no airship in this game either. WTF was Squeenix thinking. All the the characters are bland horrible cliches (Sazh is a worse stereotype than Barret from VII! Seriously). But OMG the main character is just awful. Silly Squeenix… You would have been much better off if you went with ditzy Vanille as the main character, like you had originally planned. Hell, even that dumbass Snow would’ve been a better choice. But nope, they went with this psycho bitch called Lightning (what a horrible name hahaha). It’s like they took everything I hated about Cloud boy and Squall and created this raging bitch. The game opens with this unfeminine Cloud wannabe hitting everyone and being all mean to her poor sister Serah. Like WTF is her problem? She clearly needs a man or something (she’s too moody to even have a love story, lolz!!). Her terrible character just gets worse as the game goes on. Yuck!
Okay so the environments and cutscenes are all decent, I guess. It’s too bad it’s just one big hallway so it doesn’t matter. I think Squeenix wasted their budget on pretty graphics and forgot to design a game behind them, hahahaha.
I was too busy yawning to hear most of the lame music or awful voice acting. I’m sure it was all terrible and not emotional at all tho. Oh and Blinded by Light is hands down the worst battle music I ever heard!!
My Overall Biased Opinion
I’m sooo pissed at Squeenix! WTF are they doing to Final Fantasy?! The series use to be so good, then it started going downhill with VII, but it officially hit rock bottom with this linear disaster. Can you believe they turned this mess into a trilogy starring the raging Lightning bitch???? OMG, what the hell?! And then XV looks like a big boring open world with a bunch of idiot playboys. You know what? I’m done with Squeenix!! They’re just catering to those loser newbie Final Fantasy fans who need everything on easy mode and don’t know how the hell to play a good RPG. I was gonna move to Bioware, but they just released this awful Mass Effect Andromeda failure! All of the video games suck lately!!! Damn casual n00bZ ruining games!1 GRRRR… I HATE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!1!!111 (The FFVII remake does look kinda cool tho)
SPOILERS AHEAD!!! You have been warned.
I don’t wanna remember this game happened. Ugh… I’ll just post a buncha memes.