[April Foolz!] Post Playthrough Roundup – Final Fantasy XIII (PS3)

UntitledI was, like, totally bored when I found this game in the discount bin at some store. Now I know Final Fantasy VI was the last great Final Fantasy game. I mean come on. VII is all about a confusing Cloud boy & flower chick. VIII stars some boring broody loner with an awful card game thing. Don’t even get me started on how lame and kiddy IX is. I’m just going to pretend X, XI, XII, and XIV never happened (so awful!!). I haven’t played with the boy band in XV yet, but I’m sure it’s a terrible sausage fest. Anyway, I decided to give XIII a whirl since the graphics looked pretty and it was cheap. I really thought Squeenix couldn’t sink any lower than those godawful MMOs.

How Far I Got

Ugh! I don’t know how I did it, but I got through this boring pile of trash and beat the weird last boss. I had to drink lots of coffee tho cuz this game is just one big straight line with a horrible plot. If you’re asking why I kept playing a game I hated… Well, shut up, that’s why. Anywayz, I’ll save my correct opinions for the review, but ZOMG this is the WORST Final Fantasy EVER!!

2

Celes Review

Gameplay
I don’t even know where to begin. The internet was sooo right about this trash pile! I really wish I would’ve read all those forum posts before I wasted my precious time on this disaster. Anyway the combat is way too easy mode. There’s no random battles either so you don’t get interrupted every 2 seconds to fight something stupidly hard. Seeing the enemy ahead of you is just way too easy. Like seriously, the game is nothing but button mashing and watching some bitch (more on her later) walk in a straight line to the last boss. Well, there is a bit of world to explore near the end, but that part sucked because I got lost in it. I was insta-killed by a giant turtle there too. Actually a lot of big monster things killed me there. The combat there was just way too hard. Oh and there were some bounty hunting-ish side quests, but they were impossible to finish. I tried to read what Sentinels, Saboteurs, and Synergists did before I gave up (those roles make no sense! I’ll just go back to auto-battling the horrible main quest. Boring!). There’s also this messed up weapon upgrade system. You gotta like break weapons down and get components and stuff. I couldn’t understand it so it was obviously horribly designed. So yeah, Squeenix dropped the ball big time with all of the gameplay mechanics, but the story is even worse!!! 

Untitled

The story is sooo boring, and stupid. It’s the typical evil government/bad gods/crystal related plot that’s be done a million damn times before. Yawn! Oh and there’s no airship in this game either. WTF was Squeenix thinking. All the the characters are bland horrible cliches (Sazh is a worse stereotype than Barret from VII! Seriously). But OMG the main character is just awful. Silly Squeenix… You would have been much better off if you went with ditzy Vanille as the main character, like you had originally planned. Hell, even that dumbass Snow would’ve been a better choice. But nope, they went with this psycho bitch called Lightning (what a horrible name hahaha). It’s like they took everything I hated about Cloud boy and Squall and created this raging bitch. The game opens with this unfeminine Cloud wannabe hitting everyone and being all mean to her poor sister Serah. Like WTF is her problem? She clearly needs a man or something (she’s too moody to even have a love story, lolz!!). Her terrible character just gets worse as the game goes on. Yuck!

3

Graphics
Okay so the environments and cutscenes are all decent, I guess. It’s too bad it’s just one big hallway so it doesn’t matter. I think Squeenix wasted their budget on pretty graphics and forgot to design a game behind them, hahahaha.

1

Sound
I was too busy yawning to hear most of the lame music or awful voice acting. I’m sure it was all terrible and not emotional at all tho. Oh and Blinded by Light is hands down the worst battle music I ever heard!!

My Overall Biased Opinion
I’m sooo pissed at Squeenix! WTF are they doing to Final Fantasy?! The series use to be so good, then it started going downhill with VII, but it officially hit rock bottom with this linear disaster. Can you believe they turned this mess into a trilogy starring the raging Lightning bitch???? OMG, what the hell?!  And then XV looks like a big boring open world with a bunch of idiot playboys. You know what? I’m done with Squeenix!! They’re just catering to those loser newbie Final Fantasy fans who need everything on easy mode and don’t know how the hell to play a good RPG. I was gonna move to Bioware, but they just released this awful Mass Effect Andromeda failure! All of the video games suck lately!!! Damn casual n00bZ ruining games!1 GRRRR… I HATE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!1!!111 (The FFVII remake does look kinda cool tho)

6


Memory Lane
SPOILERS AHEAD!!! You have been warned.

I don’t wanna remember this game happened. Ugh… I’ll just post a buncha memes.

meme1

meme 4

meme 2

meme 5

meme 6

meme 3

meme 7

meme 8

meme 10

meme 12

meme 13

5

7

meme 9

8

9

44564

15

xv meets xiii

28 thoughts on “[April Foolz!] Post Playthrough Roundup – Final Fantasy XIII (PS3)

    1. Oh looky here… It’s the only person on the internet who likes this train wreck of a FF trilogy. These must be the ONLY Final Fantasy games you ever played, LOLZ !1! You have the worst taste in video games ever!!! I thought I’d add a reasonable review to this horrible blogger site.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. For the record (not that numbered scores mean a damn thing to me) the Metacritic ratings for the Final Fantasy XIII trilogy are 83% (XIII), 79% (XIII-2), and 66% (Lightning Returns). I’m far from the ONLY person on the internet who likes them.

        And no, I’ve beaten X and VII too! They were awesome. I’ve also played VIII and XII but never finished them, yet. Oh and I’m almost done IV. That last moon dungeon is a real challenge but the game is so good!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Lightning Returns has a 66%?? LOL that means it’s a flop hahahahahaha. Any score under 70% means the game is garbage. Squeenix must have paid off the reviewers for the other two.

          Hahaha and you’ve only played the horrible ones (except IV)!! You have no idea what the good ones are N00b!1231!!! Lolololz

          Liked by 1 person

          1. *takes deep breath* Namaste, Ellen…

            Okay, overlooking you breaking into my blog and bashing a game that’s incredibly special to me (in MY review format I might add), it’s totally fine that you don’t like FFXIII. I can see why long time fans of the series have serious issues with it. I’m truly sorry that a franchise you care about so much is going in a direction you hate, but we are all different people with different valid opinions. You might hate the later games, but please consider that someone else may find them special before you go bashing everything. That’s one of the great things about Final Fantasy – everyone seems to have a special connection with a different one. For example, XII didn’t really hold my interest, but it’s awesome that other people love it. No opinion is right or wrong, but I’m sorry, bashing things like a raging troll just makes you seem ignorant. You’re right that I’m a Final Fantasy newbie though, and I have a goal to play them all someday. Judging from your username, it looks like you’re a fan of Celes from VI. She looks really awesome and I can’t wait to play it.

            But yeah, the linearity didn’t bother me at all in XIII. I found it just about the same as X in that regard, but whatever. I had fun witnessing the great story and the combat was amazing! Switching paradigms on the fly was so fun and made battles seem exciting to me. I found the music very inspiring as well. It seems like the story and characters didn’t click with you, which is fine. I enjoyed the overall dystopian theme, and this hapless group of L’Cie helped me through a rough time so the story is extra special to me. During my playthrough I just wanted to destroy monsters and reach the next cut-scene to see what happens next. I was actually shocked to see the open area near the end, haha.

            I must also say that I 100% disagree with your opinion of Lightning. I see her in a completely different light. Her emotions are chaotic, just like bolts of lightning, and she puts on a tough face to hide them from the world. She’s terrible at showing it, but she cares more about the people around her than she does about herself. She pushes people away to protect them, not because she is being a “raging bitch”. Lightning is also the first character I’ve controlled that I’ve felt a special connection with. Honestly, She is exactly as cranky, stubborn, and fiercely independent as I am in real life. It’s okay that you don’t like her, but Lightning Farron will always be my badass idol that I look up to whenever I need a morale boost in this crazy world of ours. She has taught me that a grim fate can always be challenged, and her inspiring quotes throughout the Final Fantasy XIII Trilogy will always bring me strength.

            Liked by 4 people

            1. Oh spare me your tired old “Lightning is my shero” crap. She’s just a moody bitch that Squeenix copy pastaed from VII’s awful Cloud boy character and you know it! Maybe you should go outside more often and stop idolizing terrible video game characters. Lighting sux and so do you!!1! N00B!5!!! LoLZ

              Liked by 2 people

  1. Okay, I don’t think I’ll be playing this FF anytime soon. I was thinking of getting Chrono Trigger on my phone, though. Secret of Mana works surprisingly well on it. So I’ll Chrono it up a notch.

    NOOBIE SCUM!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *gasps* You mean I’m not the only person on the internet who loves this game!? Wow…

      But yeah, this was 100% a joke. 🙂 It was my sarcastic vengeance against those angry internet trolls who keep bashing everything they hate, and then flame those who do like said things. We all have different opinions – I just wish people would be respectful toward each other.

      Like

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